Walking Home

Several days ago, I made the seven-hour drive to spend the weekend with my parents, who are in the middle of a big transition. I wanted to support them as they consider selling their cabin, which has become a burden to maintain. But a bigger, more difficult challenge—one that affects the cabin decision—is their increasing age and declining health. It's a time of life filled with loss and grief, and for them, it's been overwhelming.

I arrived on Friday, ready to spend the weekend listening, offering support, breathing through the tough moments, and helping them sort, organize, and possibly pack.

Learning to surrender to big changes is hard for anyone. But it's far more difficult when you're facing so much loss and don't have a practice in place to help you navigate these feelings as they arise.

Being with them now, facing their own surrender to change has brought up memories of my own past struggles in their home. I've learned that for me, supporting others requires a deep foundation of self-support, especially in the very place where I once lost my footing.

Going home used to be a step back. I would regress to old behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs I had worked so hard to transform. I would be left with fear, self loathing, and an irrepressible impulse to scavenge for sweets to soothe my discomfort. This became my motivation for creating change.

Of course, changing course causes disruption and even destruction. I had to be willing to let go of what wasn’t working while learning tools to adapt to who I was becoming. At the advice of a wise friend, I paid attention when she invited me to go slowly.

Before I left, I really listened to what my body would need when I was there. I made a plan for sleep and food prep and boundaries. I imagined what some of our conversations would be and figured out what was most important to communicate. 

When I felt tightness or heaviness, I took a moment to step out of the room or outside. I went to bed early, ate only nutritious food even when I craved junk, and took walks or ran solo errands..

I got some things wrong too. For instance, when I visited their home, I took public transportation and called them from the bus stop only to wait for over 90 minutes for one of them to pick me up. Now I take an uber. I stop by the grocery store and cook for myself prioritizing my needs above saying yes to food that doesn’t nourish. 

Being in familiar places with familiar people is only as supportive as we can be connected to our most elemental needs. It took me years to develop my own comfort with asking for what I most want vs going along with what others want me to do. 

Now I can gently ask the people I am closest with to meet me where I am, and try to offer the same generous response when they have a similar request of me. 

There’s a song I sing weekly called "Walking Each Other Home," which repeats the line, "we are all, just walking each other home." For me, home is where my most authentic self lives. I can walk myself there, but the journey is so much richer when I do it alongside the people I love—even if, like me, they are a little broken in places and don't always know the way.