Unavoidable Suffering
Burned out tree in the Bridger Mountains
Last Thursday while sitting in the car on the way to the airport I realized I had left my lunch in the fridge. A wave of disappointment washed over me. I felt my shoulders slump as I stared at the empty space on the counter where my lunch should have been. I had been so careful..."
The disappointment got bigger the more I realized the impact of my mistake. I’d be arriving at my destination in a new city having to find a allergy sensitive restaurant. My chest felt tighter, my breathing became more shallow. I asked my husband, 'Can you just wait a minute while I find some snacks in my suitcase?' He glanced at his watch. 'I need to get home and get ready for work,' he said, his voice flat. His words felt like a cold stone dropping into my stomach. Disappointment flared into an all-too-familiar anger.
But, my husband had other thoughts. “I need to get home and ready for work.” His announcement caused even more disappointment to rise up.
“Really?” I countered “I’ll be quick. I need you to wait.” I said. Now a familiar pattern of anger had emerged.
When we stopped, I opened my suitcase to find what I was looking for. Then, I zipped the suitcase and pulled it from the car. As I walked away, I told my husband, “thank you”. But there was an edge to my voice.
I do not consciously seek out opportunities to struggle. Instead, the universe seems to know exactly where my learning edges are, offering opportunities to practice the very thing I need to learn. It’s usually never convenient and sometimes I’m less than thrilled. But, the next day when I considered this situation, I could see where my constriction led to an unfavorable outcome - or disconnection from my husband.
Looking back the next day, with a little more distance, I could see how my emotional constriction had led to the exact outcome I feared: a moment of disconnection from my husband.
The next day I was curious. I remembered how quickly my disappointment morphed into anger. Anger is a well worn emotional path for me, so I looked for evidence of what else might be underneath. Sure enough, there was a very small almost imperceptible belief, “My needs are too much”. I remember believing this often when I was younger. It makes sense that my body masks the vulnerability with something safer, like anger.
I began by bringing gentle awareness to the sadness I felt in my belly. Using self-contact, I placed my hand on my lower abdomen to create a sense of grounded safety. I then began to expand the felt sense of sadness by noticing how it spread into the tissue and muscles around that area, allowing the feeling to become a bit bigger and more tolerable in a contained way.
What came to me after this exercise, is that of course I needed my husband. Complete self reliance like I experienced in early childhood, isn’t healthy. Everyone needs others to help, to love, and to support us. We especially need our closest connections to depend on, and be depended upon.
The resulting expansion changed both my cognition and is changing my behaviors with my partner for the better. The work of meeting my own needs and asking for help is a lifelong practice, but thanks to the wisdom of my body and the practices of SE and ISP, I'm finding my way with more compassion and grace than ever before.
Let me know how I can be in support of emotional experiences that may feel like too much for your body to process. Together, we got this.
